Hello Everyone.
This summer and my coffee conquest have come to an end. It was so fun, and I loved every minute of it. I left PA on Friday the 28th of August. I cleaned all the refrigerators and other equipment. I sold or gave away all of my left over inventory. It was sad to close my door for the last time. It was such a fun adventure! I will miss it, that is for sure. I talked to one of the coffee shop owners in Sitka when I got back. She told me to come find her after I get back from Europe and we would talk about getting a barista job there for the winter. I would love that. I loved making coffee!
So... I started a new blog for the next stage of my life - here it is
coralschemochaos.blogspot.com
check it out.. .
xoxoxo
Coral
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
summer is over...
There is something about sitting on the couch and listing to the rain at my house in Port Alexander that is so completely relaxing that it is almost impossible to believe. The hunter green roof of the house is metal, so even the lightest rain is pretty noticeable. The last 5 days, however, have been some of the rainiest days I have been in, in a long time. Between midnight and 2pm today, we got 2 and a half inches of rain – which I believe is beyond “raining cats and dogs.” It is the type of rain that drenches you from head to two the second you step out the door.
Right now, I am sitting at the counter in my coffee shop, looking out my window at the bay and the front dock. Nobody is out fishing because the weather is terrible; I don’t mean the rain - It is blowing 30+ out there. As I sit here, Ryan is down putting another line on his boat, just to be on the safe side.
It really is the end of the summer. We were spoiled this year. We got a few weeks of beautiful weather, so when we get our normal rain, rain, and more rain back – it made it that much harder to bare. I spent an hour walking in the rain today. I went and returned books to people I borrowed them from, returned things people left at the shop; just doing things that needed to be done. I leave tomorrow or Saturday, so it seemed an appropriate day to make sure all my lose ends were tied up, but man it was wet out there. Wet to the point that North Face rain shells are no longer waterproof – they just get so saturated they eventually start letting water trough. Wet to the point where the crotch of your rain pants spring a leak and make it look like you peed your pants when you take them off.
Going back to what I said before – listening to the rain on a metal room relaxes me. It really does. It is the sound of home; the sound of security. On days like this you can just curl up in a blanket on the couch with a cup of tea and a book or the remote to the TV and not feel guilty. You can do all your inside chores and not wish that you were outside doing something else. You can bake cookies, filling your house with that perfect smell. Oh, then there is the wood stove. Something about it raining outside makes wood stoves smell even better. I love the smell of the wood burning, and on rainy days, the smell intensifies.
This particular rainy day, I haven’t been able to just sit at my house and curl up and read a book, or make cookies, or smell the wood fire. I have been at the shop and running errands in the rain and realizing my rain pants sprang a leak, but I know that come 6:30 p.m. I will be heading home to a warm house and a cup of tea with my name on it.
It is sad that summer is over and I’m leaving PA in two days. But I know that I will soon be back in Sitka; back to civilization of some sorts. Back to a world of cars, movie theaters, restaurants and grocery stores. Back to a world where I can get banana chips or egg rolls when ever I want them.
I’ll miss PA. This summer has been great. I spent two months on the beach in Port Alexander. Something I haven’t done – ever, I don’t think. It was what I wanted to do, and I did it. I opened a coffee shop, and it was successful. I read books I wanted to read (not as many as I wanted to, but a couple). I swam at the lake, jumped off the pier, swam to the red can, picked barriers, hiked to the water tower and to ships cove. I did all the things I wanted to do and more. I can’t complain about anything this summer. I made some hard decision that I will have to live with my whole life, but I know I will be fine. I will have to say goodbye to Port Alexander, though. I don’t know when I will be able to return. I have no idea where my life is going to take me from this point on. I am just going to go wherever the wind takes me – I’m going to live life spontaneously and take whatever opportunities are presented to me.
I know what ever happens, and wherever I end up, is going to be a new adventure, and I am ready for it. First, though, I just have to make it through the next seven months with out letting myself fall into too deep of a depression. It might be hard, but I will work at it. And when I’m falling to far, I will think of everyone that I was blessed enough to get to know while in school, and I will think of my beautiful Port Alexander, and I will think of what adventures my future my hold – and I know I will be ok.
Right now, I am sitting at the counter in my coffee shop, looking out my window at the bay and the front dock. Nobody is out fishing because the weather is terrible; I don’t mean the rain - It is blowing 30+ out there. As I sit here, Ryan is down putting another line on his boat, just to be on the safe side.
It really is the end of the summer. We were spoiled this year. We got a few weeks of beautiful weather, so when we get our normal rain, rain, and more rain back – it made it that much harder to bare. I spent an hour walking in the rain today. I went and returned books to people I borrowed them from, returned things people left at the shop; just doing things that needed to be done. I leave tomorrow or Saturday, so it seemed an appropriate day to make sure all my lose ends were tied up, but man it was wet out there. Wet to the point that North Face rain shells are no longer waterproof – they just get so saturated they eventually start letting water trough. Wet to the point where the crotch of your rain pants spring a leak and make it look like you peed your pants when you take them off.
Going back to what I said before – listening to the rain on a metal room relaxes me. It really does. It is the sound of home; the sound of security. On days like this you can just curl up in a blanket on the couch with a cup of tea and a book or the remote to the TV and not feel guilty. You can do all your inside chores and not wish that you were outside doing something else. You can bake cookies, filling your house with that perfect smell. Oh, then there is the wood stove. Something about it raining outside makes wood stoves smell even better. I love the smell of the wood burning, and on rainy days, the smell intensifies.
This particular rainy day, I haven’t been able to just sit at my house and curl up and read a book, or make cookies, or smell the wood fire. I have been at the shop and running errands in the rain and realizing my rain pants sprang a leak, but I know that come 6:30 p.m. I will be heading home to a warm house and a cup of tea with my name on it.
It is sad that summer is over and I’m leaving PA in two days. But I know that I will soon be back in Sitka; back to civilization of some sorts. Back to a world of cars, movie theaters, restaurants and grocery stores. Back to a world where I can get banana chips or egg rolls when ever I want them.
I’ll miss PA. This summer has been great. I spent two months on the beach in Port Alexander. Something I haven’t done – ever, I don’t think. It was what I wanted to do, and I did it. I opened a coffee shop, and it was successful. I read books I wanted to read (not as many as I wanted to, but a couple). I swam at the lake, jumped off the pier, swam to the red can, picked barriers, hiked to the water tower and to ships cove. I did all the things I wanted to do and more. I can’t complain about anything this summer. I made some hard decision that I will have to live with my whole life, but I know I will be fine. I will have to say goodbye to Port Alexander, though. I don’t know when I will be able to return. I have no idea where my life is going to take me from this point on. I am just going to go wherever the wind takes me – I’m going to live life spontaneously and take whatever opportunities are presented to me.
I know what ever happens, and wherever I end up, is going to be a new adventure, and I am ready for it. First, though, I just have to make it through the next seven months with out letting myself fall into too deep of a depression. It might be hard, but I will work at it. And when I’m falling to far, I will think of everyone that I was blessed enough to get to know while in school, and I will think of my beautiful Port Alexander, and I will think of what adventures my future my hold – and I know I will be ok.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ramblings about the last two weeks...
Well, it has been more than two weeks since I have sat down at my computer to try and think of anything worth sharing with the rest of the world. These last two weeks have been interesting, that is for sure. Not interesting in a bad or good way really; just plane mediocre.
Business has been really slow, which is a bummer, but Harmony and the baby (Laurel Breeze), and Sunni and Mike came in last weekend, so it was good to finally have some company! They came in for the golf tournament. A few other people did end up coming into town for it as well, but there were still only 30 participants all together, which is pretty dismal. We usually have twice that.
For those of you who don't know, the golf tournament in Port Alexander is a pretty big deal. This year was the 25th annual. It is called the Port Alexander Troll Closure Open because it used to always happen when trolling (fishing) was closed so all the fishermen could play too, but now a days, too much planning goes into it ahead of time, and the closure is never announced early enough, so it hardly ever lands during the closure
The tournament lasts two days and is played at low tide on the beach. The men play 18 holes and the women play 8. Us women like to take our time and chat and just have fun, whereas the men are more serious and go, go, go. So, for that reason, we also have to let the men play through, meaning if we are playing a whole and they want to play that whole, we have to stop and let them proceed! But we are fine with that; we just play 10 less holes!
This year three people conked themselves on the head with a golf ball. Man, golf is a dangerous sport, especially playing on the beach. What happened to all three, was they were trying to hit around a large rock or old piece of motor that was on the beach, but they ended up just smacking that ball right into it, so it ricocheted off and hit them in the head. DJ got it the worse, we thought she got it in the eye, but it was just her eyebrow. For a little while, we thought she was going to have to be medivaced to town!
Sunni and I were in charge of the tournament this year, meaning we called all the businesses in Sitka for prize donations, and we mowed the greens and put up the flags and organized the pot lucks. Sunni did more - she was in sitka, but having me down here helped her because I could figure out where the clubs, balls, and flags were stored last year, and where the lawn mower was, and where we could store the prizes and the food, etc. It worked out well. I thought once Sunni got to PA things might get a little messy because her and I usually argue a lot, but it actually worked our REALLY well. I was pleasantly surprised.
I ended up getting 9th place (out of 20 women) in the tournament, which is horrible. I'm usually at least in the top 4. I played terrible this year. My first hit would usually be pretty decent, but then it would take me a million more strokes to get it to the tee; I just kept over shooting it. I lost three balls this year, too. I never lose my ball, but this year it happened three times! That is when i finally just got fed up and started taking 8's on holes even when i was only on my 2nd stroke (8 is the highest score you can get on any of our holes).
So ya, the golf tournament went well (except for my crummy playing), but it was sad to see everyone leave. The day after the tournament PA pretty much turned back into a ghost town.
I'm leaving PA next weekend! I can't believe the summer is over already. It seems like just a couple weeks ago I came down here with Mike and we were pluming and building and trying to make my espresso machine work. But, here it is the end of August. I have been here for practically 2 months; since June 27th!
My coffee experience has been amazing. I think when I am in Sitka this winter, I am going to try and get a job at a coffee shop. There is something about making coffee and working at a cafe that just makes me feel good. I get to talk to people, see how there day is going, make them something that puts a smile on their face. It is just fun! I think I'm just cut out to be a barista :) HAHA, I wish I could be cut out to be an awesome reporter for say the New York Times, but hey... I'll take what I can get!!!
I must say that I have gotten a lot better at making cappuccinos. I don't free pour them though.. I scoop the foam off and put it in the cup... that is how the lady who taught me did it, and that is what I have decided works best for me! I really don't have to make very many of them, so it is not that big of deal, but if I do work at a larger coffee shop, I suppose I will have to work on mastering the cappuccino a little more.
Also... my new favorite drink would have to be a breve hot chocolate with sugar free vanilla. I always get a non fot HC with SF vanilla, but when ever I make my dad his breve mocha and there is left over half and half, I make a mini HC for myself and it is DELICIOUS! But, of course it would be... it is made with half cream!! I'll have to steer clear of those in the future though, they have almost 1000 calories, haha!
Last night was pretty intense. An older gentleman who has been stranded here in PA for almost a month now because his boat engine conked out on him, passed out. He has been trying to order parts and everything for quite some time, but being down here with spotty phones and Internet, it has been difficult. That and we only get mail twice a week!
Anyway. Last night this old gentleman passed out on the dock. We got him all situated with oxygen flowing and everything because he was not breathing well, but he was fully conscious and didn't really want to go to sitka. So, after we talked him into it (we couldn't force him because he was fully conscious) we called the coast guard and they came down and got him in the helicopter. He was very cold and couldn't sit up with out feeling nauseous, so we brought him on the stretcher into the coffee shop. He fit just perfectly on my floor between my counters. So, when the coast guard got here, it was pretty crowded in my little shop.
He got to sitka last night and was released from the hospital pretty quick. My mom picked him up, and he is staying at my house in sitka until he can make it back down here. He told my mom that the hospital couldn't figure out why he passed out.
This morning all of us that were around last night when it happened decided that it was probably carbon monoxide poising. He has a little wood burning stove on his boat, and he always has it going at night when his doors are closed. The symptoms fit. So, if that is the case, he should be fine as long as he keeps his boat ventilated from now on when he has his fire going. I don't think CO2 poisoning would be something the hospital would know to look for, especially because they didn't know he had a wood stove on his boat. There isn't much they could do for him either. With CO2 poisoning, pretty much all you do is leave the area the CO2 is and maybe get hooked up to oxygen. So hopefully he is back to normal in a day or two.
At any rate, last night, I got to use a little of the ETT knowledge I had, (and my jogging paid off- I had to run to bear hall to get equipment twice) but also realized that I need to take another course because it was not as fresh as it should be. This winter, I want to actually take an EMT course. I used to always want to be a paramedic; I don't know what ever happened with that dream! Who knows. At this point, my life could truly go anywhere!
-Coral
Business has been really slow, which is a bummer, but Harmony and the baby (Laurel Breeze), and Sunni and Mike came in last weekend, so it was good to finally have some company! They came in for the golf tournament. A few other people did end up coming into town for it as well, but there were still only 30 participants all together, which is pretty dismal. We usually have twice that.
For those of you who don't know, the golf tournament in Port Alexander is a pretty big deal. This year was the 25th annual. It is called the Port Alexander Troll Closure Open because it used to always happen when trolling (fishing) was closed so all the fishermen could play too, but now a days, too much planning goes into it ahead of time, and the closure is never announced early enough, so it hardly ever lands during the closure
The tournament lasts two days and is played at low tide on the beach. The men play 18 holes and the women play 8. Us women like to take our time and chat and just have fun, whereas the men are more serious and go, go, go. So, for that reason, we also have to let the men play through, meaning if we are playing a whole and they want to play that whole, we have to stop and let them proceed! But we are fine with that; we just play 10 less holes!
This year three people conked themselves on the head with a golf ball. Man, golf is a dangerous sport, especially playing on the beach. What happened to all three, was they were trying to hit around a large rock or old piece of motor that was on the beach, but they ended up just smacking that ball right into it, so it ricocheted off and hit them in the head. DJ got it the worse, we thought she got it in the eye, but it was just her eyebrow. For a little while, we thought she was going to have to be medivaced to town!
Sunni and I were in charge of the tournament this year, meaning we called all the businesses in Sitka for prize donations, and we mowed the greens and put up the flags and organized the pot lucks. Sunni did more - she was in sitka, but having me down here helped her because I could figure out where the clubs, balls, and flags were stored last year, and where the lawn mower was, and where we could store the prizes and the food, etc. It worked out well. I thought once Sunni got to PA things might get a little messy because her and I usually argue a lot, but it actually worked our REALLY well. I was pleasantly surprised.
I ended up getting 9th place (out of 20 women) in the tournament, which is horrible. I'm usually at least in the top 4. I played terrible this year. My first hit would usually be pretty decent, but then it would take me a million more strokes to get it to the tee; I just kept over shooting it. I lost three balls this year, too. I never lose my ball, but this year it happened three times! That is when i finally just got fed up and started taking 8's on holes even when i was only on my 2nd stroke (8 is the highest score you can get on any of our holes).
So ya, the golf tournament went well (except for my crummy playing), but it was sad to see everyone leave. The day after the tournament PA pretty much turned back into a ghost town.
I'm leaving PA next weekend! I can't believe the summer is over already. It seems like just a couple weeks ago I came down here with Mike and we were pluming and building and trying to make my espresso machine work. But, here it is the end of August. I have been here for practically 2 months; since June 27th!
My coffee experience has been amazing. I think when I am in Sitka this winter, I am going to try and get a job at a coffee shop. There is something about making coffee and working at a cafe that just makes me feel good. I get to talk to people, see how there day is going, make them something that puts a smile on their face. It is just fun! I think I'm just cut out to be a barista :) HAHA, I wish I could be cut out to be an awesome reporter for say the New York Times, but hey... I'll take what I can get!!!
I must say that I have gotten a lot better at making cappuccinos. I don't free pour them though.. I scoop the foam off and put it in the cup... that is how the lady who taught me did it, and that is what I have decided works best for me! I really don't have to make very many of them, so it is not that big of deal, but if I do work at a larger coffee shop, I suppose I will have to work on mastering the cappuccino a little more.
Also... my new favorite drink would have to be a breve hot chocolate with sugar free vanilla. I always get a non fot HC with SF vanilla, but when ever I make my dad his breve mocha and there is left over half and half, I make a mini HC for myself and it is DELICIOUS! But, of course it would be... it is made with half cream!! I'll have to steer clear of those in the future though, they have almost 1000 calories, haha!
Last night was pretty intense. An older gentleman who has been stranded here in PA for almost a month now because his boat engine conked out on him, passed out. He has been trying to order parts and everything for quite some time, but being down here with spotty phones and Internet, it has been difficult. That and we only get mail twice a week!
Anyway. Last night this old gentleman passed out on the dock. We got him all situated with oxygen flowing and everything because he was not breathing well, but he was fully conscious and didn't really want to go to sitka. So, after we talked him into it (we couldn't force him because he was fully conscious) we called the coast guard and they came down and got him in the helicopter. He was very cold and couldn't sit up with out feeling nauseous, so we brought him on the stretcher into the coffee shop. He fit just perfectly on my floor between my counters. So, when the coast guard got here, it was pretty crowded in my little shop.
He got to sitka last night and was released from the hospital pretty quick. My mom picked him up, and he is staying at my house in sitka until he can make it back down here. He told my mom that the hospital couldn't figure out why he passed out.
This morning all of us that were around last night when it happened decided that it was probably carbon monoxide poising. He has a little wood burning stove on his boat, and he always has it going at night when his doors are closed. The symptoms fit. So, if that is the case, he should be fine as long as he keeps his boat ventilated from now on when he has his fire going. I don't think CO2 poisoning would be something the hospital would know to look for, especially because they didn't know he had a wood stove on his boat. There isn't much they could do for him either. With CO2 poisoning, pretty much all you do is leave the area the CO2 is and maybe get hooked up to oxygen. So hopefully he is back to normal in a day or two.
At any rate, last night, I got to use a little of the ETT knowledge I had, (and my jogging paid off- I had to run to bear hall to get equipment twice) but also realized that I need to take another course because it was not as fresh as it should be. This winter, I want to actually take an EMT course. I used to always want to be a paramedic; I don't know what ever happened with that dream! Who knows. At this point, my life could truly go anywhere!
-Coral
Sunday, August 9, 2009
coffee, coffee, coffee
It has been a while since I've actually talked about coffee on this here coffee conquest blog, so I've decided it is time for another update.
First off, I have still not gotten any better at making cappuccinos. I have only made five, I think,so far this summer, but in that time, I don't think I have improved. The girl who orders them says they are fine, but she is always in desperate need of caffeine, so I think she would say that even if I actually made her a latte, or heck, just gave her a couple straight shots of espresso! She works on the tender that comes down to PA to buy fish, so she doesn't have any sort of sleeping schedule. It is sort of just - be up when you need to be, and when you don't, try and sneak a short nap before they need you again. Working on fish tenders in the summer takes a certain type of person. I think I could do it, except the whole seasick thing, but after I got my sea legs, I think I would be pretty good at it.
I'm steering away from my coffee talk, though, so - coffee. I really like the beans that I have. It is a special blend that I get roasted in Sitka and mailed to me here in PA, so they are pretty much as fresh as you can get them. It is a medium roast, and I haven't gotten any complaints yet, so that is a good sign. The name of the brand of coffee is Sailor's Choice, which is definitely appropriate. I've decided to call my special blend the "Troll Fleet Fusion." I can't take credit for that, though, it was actually my mom's idea, so thank you mom!
The last five days or so have been my slowest of the season so far, which is a bummer. I was hoping August would be even better than July, but it is not looking like it so far. Who knows, though. The trolling closure starts on Wednesday, so there will be boats at the dock for five days unable to fish, and then two days after the boats will all be able to fish again is the golf tourney, so some people will come back into town for that, and plenty of people are planning to fly down here for it, so I'll get some business then! I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I've decided another freezer would be ideal. Yesterday, I got my groceries and freight in off the Eyak (the boat that brings the mail and freight from Sitka). So, I had milk, half and half, heavy whipping cream, ice cream, burgers, buns, tomatoes...the whole nine yards. WELL - I ordered more this week than most weeks to start stocking up for the golf tournament, so I had a heck of a time making it all fit into my refrigerators and freezer. My freezer is filled to the top - completely! Not one more thing could fit inside of it. And, if anyone decides they want a muffin, i will have to pull out the pints of ice cream, ice cream sandwiches and burgers in order to get down to them! So yes, another freezer would be amazing! My refrigerators are all cram packed with milk and the condiments and veggies for the burgers - not another thing could be crammed into them. I really should have just gotten one normal-size refrigerator instead of 3 little mini under-the-counter ones, but at least these ones are out of the way. It would have been hard to fit a normal-size one in here!
Well, that is it for my ramblings about my shop for now. I wish I had more happy news for you all. But, hopefully next week I will be full of great tales of coffee conquests!
First off, I have still not gotten any better at making cappuccinos. I have only made five, I think,so far this summer, but in that time, I don't think I have improved. The girl who orders them says they are fine, but she is always in desperate need of caffeine, so I think she would say that even if I actually made her a latte, or heck, just gave her a couple straight shots of espresso! She works on the tender that comes down to PA to buy fish, so she doesn't have any sort of sleeping schedule. It is sort of just - be up when you need to be, and when you don't, try and sneak a short nap before they need you again. Working on fish tenders in the summer takes a certain type of person. I think I could do it, except the whole seasick thing, but after I got my sea legs, I think I would be pretty good at it.
I'm steering away from my coffee talk, though, so - coffee. I really like the beans that I have. It is a special blend that I get roasted in Sitka and mailed to me here in PA, so they are pretty much as fresh as you can get them. It is a medium roast, and I haven't gotten any complaints yet, so that is a good sign. The name of the brand of coffee is Sailor's Choice, which is definitely appropriate. I've decided to call my special blend the "Troll Fleet Fusion." I can't take credit for that, though, it was actually my mom's idea, so thank you mom!
The last five days or so have been my slowest of the season so far, which is a bummer. I was hoping August would be even better than July, but it is not looking like it so far. Who knows, though. The trolling closure starts on Wednesday, so there will be boats at the dock for five days unable to fish, and then two days after the boats will all be able to fish again is the golf tourney, so some people will come back into town for that, and plenty of people are planning to fly down here for it, so I'll get some business then! I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I've decided another freezer would be ideal. Yesterday, I got my groceries and freight in off the Eyak (the boat that brings the mail and freight from Sitka). So, I had milk, half and half, heavy whipping cream, ice cream, burgers, buns, tomatoes...the whole nine yards. WELL - I ordered more this week than most weeks to start stocking up for the golf tournament, so I had a heck of a time making it all fit into my refrigerators and freezer. My freezer is filled to the top - completely! Not one more thing could fit inside of it. And, if anyone decides they want a muffin, i will have to pull out the pints of ice cream, ice cream sandwiches and burgers in order to get down to them! So yes, another freezer would be amazing! My refrigerators are all cram packed with milk and the condiments and veggies for the burgers - not another thing could be crammed into them. I really should have just gotten one normal-size refrigerator instead of 3 little mini under-the-counter ones, but at least these ones are out of the way. It would have been hard to fit a normal-size one in here!
Well, that is it for my ramblings about my shop for now. I wish I had more happy news for you all. But, hopefully next week I will be full of great tales of coffee conquests!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Why
Why does life have to be so hard? The ultimate question, right.
I know God has a plan for us all, and we have to have faith and work our way through our troubles and try to embrace everything and be happy. But, sometimes it seems almost impossible. How can we embrace things we don't even want to admit to ourselves. How can we embrace things that make us so completely unhappy. Sure, sure, what makes us unhappy in the short run will ultimately make us more happy in the long run, but sometime I have a hard time keeping my head up waiting to get to the long run part.
You may wonder what all this is referring to; why I am so unhappy?
It is a long story, (which i sort of touched on a couple blogs ago) but the short version is that I made the decision to break up with Kevin. I know deep down in my hear that it was the right thing to do, but I find myself unbelievable sad and missing him like crazy. We are still talking and e-mailing, but at times that makes it harder for me to work on getting over him.
I hope God has a plan for me that involves finding the man of my dreams - I hope Kevin wasn't him and that I totally didn’t just screwed up my whole life. But, if Kevin is him, than I'm sure we will find each other again in the future, but for now, I need to focus on my life and being true to me and what I need. I really don't know what I need, but I know that I need to be single - but I'm sure that is just step one.
With my life changing so much, i feel like I'm in a tornado - caught right in the eye; i'm standing on solid ground and life is cycloning around me at a 100 mile an hour.
I am scared for what the future will bring me. I am scared to start my treatment, I'm afraid of what the side effects will be, I'm afraid of loosing touch with all my amazing friends while I'm tucked away in Sitka getting shots, taking pills and feeling sick.
I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to go through this treatment. I wanted to start my life. I wanted to graduate college and find a job and start working on my career, but now there is this scary road block standing in my way. I really just want to ignore it and find a way around it, but I know that i need to face it and accept it, but it is hard. What if the treatment doesn't work. So, six months from now, i will be in the same situation as I am now, except I still wouldn't have been able to start my life, and i will have to try another treatment. I guess I need have to have faith that everything will work out.
I'm sad. I'm sad that I am missing out on seeing all the amazing people I have been surrounded by for the last four years. The six months I am doing my treatment are going to be agony. I will be alone in Sitka. That is not true; my family will be there, but my friends won't. Sarah will be in California, and all my friends from Washington will either still be there trying to figure out their lives, or they will have gone off doing their own thing and tyring to figure out their lives. I am envious of them for that - I wish i could go off and start my life, but I can't - which leads me back to the anger.
Yes, like i said, I'm in a tornado. I don't know how to feel, so everything is just spinning - spinning and it keeps speeding up... the closer the end of September gets, the looming date when i start my treatment, the more I will spin and the more my emotions will get worn out.
I know God has a plan for us all, and we have to have faith and work our way through our troubles and try to embrace everything and be happy. But, sometimes it seems almost impossible. How can we embrace things we don't even want to admit to ourselves. How can we embrace things that make us so completely unhappy. Sure, sure, what makes us unhappy in the short run will ultimately make us more happy in the long run, but sometime I have a hard time keeping my head up waiting to get to the long run part.
You may wonder what all this is referring to; why I am so unhappy?
It is a long story, (which i sort of touched on a couple blogs ago) but the short version is that I made the decision to break up with Kevin. I know deep down in my hear that it was the right thing to do, but I find myself unbelievable sad and missing him like crazy. We are still talking and e-mailing, but at times that makes it harder for me to work on getting over him.
I hope God has a plan for me that involves finding the man of my dreams - I hope Kevin wasn't him and that I totally didn’t just screwed up my whole life. But, if Kevin is him, than I'm sure we will find each other again in the future, but for now, I need to focus on my life and being true to me and what I need. I really don't know what I need, but I know that I need to be single - but I'm sure that is just step one.
With my life changing so much, i feel like I'm in a tornado - caught right in the eye; i'm standing on solid ground and life is cycloning around me at a 100 mile an hour.
I am scared for what the future will bring me. I am scared to start my treatment, I'm afraid of what the side effects will be, I'm afraid of loosing touch with all my amazing friends while I'm tucked away in Sitka getting shots, taking pills and feeling sick.
I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to go through this treatment. I wanted to start my life. I wanted to graduate college and find a job and start working on my career, but now there is this scary road block standing in my way. I really just want to ignore it and find a way around it, but I know that i need to face it and accept it, but it is hard. What if the treatment doesn't work. So, six months from now, i will be in the same situation as I am now, except I still wouldn't have been able to start my life, and i will have to try another treatment. I guess I need have to have faith that everything will work out.
I'm sad. I'm sad that I am missing out on seeing all the amazing people I have been surrounded by for the last four years. The six months I am doing my treatment are going to be agony. I will be alone in Sitka. That is not true; my family will be there, but my friends won't. Sarah will be in California, and all my friends from Washington will either still be there trying to figure out their lives, or they will have gone off doing their own thing and tyring to figure out their lives. I am envious of them for that - I wish i could go off and start my life, but I can't - which leads me back to the anger.
Yes, like i said, I'm in a tornado. I don't know how to feel, so everything is just spinning - spinning and it keeps speeding up... the closer the end of September gets, the looming date when i start my treatment, the more I will spin and the more my emotions will get worn out.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Refreshing
Refreshing - it is such an incredible feeling.
Refreshing = invigorating, revitalizing, reviving, restoring, bracing, fortifying, enlivening, inspiriting, stimulating, energizing, exhilarating, change of direction, welcome, stimulating, fresh, imaginative, innovative.
Or so a thesaurus says.
You can have a Refreshing cup of coffee that revitalizes and energises you after a sleepless night. You can have a Refreshing hamburger that restores and energises you after a day without food. You can clean your room, throw something out, change your mind, etc., etc., all of which refreshes you and makes you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
I love running my coffee shop. When you hand a tiered fisherman who has been up since 3 a.m. his cup of coffee, the look on his face after savoring the first sip is priceless. When a fishermen who has been eating fish for a week comes in and gets a bacon cheeseburger, the way he closes his eyes and slowly chews that first bite - also priceless. It is refreshing knowing that these people are enjoying my products, and the people who eat/drink my products always walk away from here refreshed and ready to face another day of crappy fishing.
I can't believe it has been over a month now since I opened. It has been great. The fishing during July was the most horrible I ever remember it being. My dad didn't even catch 400 coho - he should have caught at least 2000. Now it is August. I hope with August comes a run of some big, over 7 pound, coho. (There is a price break, over 7's are worth more than under 7's.) Everyone around here needs to catch some fish. They have been tied to the dock for basically two weeks because they just have no motivation to go out and not catch any fish. It is good for me because they come up and get coffee and candy and ice cream and the occasional burger when they are sick of eating fish. But, man, i feel bad for them all. I know what it is like to not be catching fish - i know what my dad must be going through. It is hard. All you think about are all the bills you have to pay and all the fuel you are using while out fishing and then you think about not catching even close to enough to cover the costs of being out fishing, so you go and tie to the dock again.
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the only one around here making any money, which honestly, i think is true. None of them are making any money while sitting at the dock. And I make money every time they come get their vanilla lattes and breve mochas! I love it, but for some reason I feel bad at the same time. I know they all don't have much money, yet they are up here supporting me and my adventure everyday! I really appreciate them all and I hope they know that.
Maybe i'll make some salmon berry cake tonight to perk up some of their spirits.
Refreshing = invigorating, revitalizing, reviving, restoring, bracing, fortifying, enlivening, inspiriting, stimulating, energizing, exhilarating, change of direction, welcome, stimulating, fresh, imaginative, innovative.
Or so a thesaurus says.
You can have a Refreshing cup of coffee that revitalizes and energises you after a sleepless night. You can have a Refreshing hamburger that restores and energises you after a day without food. You can clean your room, throw something out, change your mind, etc., etc., all of which refreshes you and makes you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
I love running my coffee shop. When you hand a tiered fisherman who has been up since 3 a.m. his cup of coffee, the look on his face after savoring the first sip is priceless. When a fishermen who has been eating fish for a week comes in and gets a bacon cheeseburger, the way he closes his eyes and slowly chews that first bite - also priceless. It is refreshing knowing that these people are enjoying my products, and the people who eat/drink my products always walk away from here refreshed and ready to face another day of crappy fishing.
I can't believe it has been over a month now since I opened. It has been great. The fishing during July was the most horrible I ever remember it being. My dad didn't even catch 400 coho - he should have caught at least 2000. Now it is August. I hope with August comes a run of some big, over 7 pound, coho. (There is a price break, over 7's are worth more than under 7's.) Everyone around here needs to catch some fish. They have been tied to the dock for basically two weeks because they just have no motivation to go out and not catch any fish. It is good for me because they come up and get coffee and candy and ice cream and the occasional burger when they are sick of eating fish. But, man, i feel bad for them all. I know what it is like to not be catching fish - i know what my dad must be going through. It is hard. All you think about are all the bills you have to pay and all the fuel you are using while out fishing and then you think about not catching even close to enough to cover the costs of being out fishing, so you go and tie to the dock again.
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the only one around here making any money, which honestly, i think is true. None of them are making any money while sitting at the dock. And I make money every time they come get their vanilla lattes and breve mochas! I love it, but for some reason I feel bad at the same time. I know they all don't have much money, yet they are up here supporting me and my adventure everyday! I really appreciate them all and I hope they know that.
Maybe i'll make some salmon berry cake tonight to perk up some of their spirits.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
independent vs. codependent
There is a time in everyone's life when they come to a cross road. I'm sure some people even find themselves at a cross road a few times in their lives. Do you go left, right, straight; do you turn around and go running back the way you came. Everyone has to make these decisions for themselves, but these are the times when we want someone else to make the decision for us more than anything in the world.
So, right now I am standing on the cross street of Independence and Commitment. Ya, fun streets to be standing on, right? It is difficult to be so far apart from your partner, your best friend, the person you want to never not be a part of your life. I have had my fair share of confusion in my relationship. I just never know how I feel about it, which to me is a bad sign. If it was right, wouldn't I just know that; it should be obvious; shouldn't it? I find myself wondering, yet again, whether my partner and I are really meant to be together forever. There is no doubt in my mind that the man needs to be a part of my life forever - he and I are best friends. But, where my confusion comes from is if me not wanting to lose him is worth settling for a relationship that I am not 100 percent satisfied with.
To be honest, I really can't describe why my relationship is not what I want it to be. I have tried, many times, but I do not succeed in making people understand. But, shouldn't it be enough that I know deep down that it isn't right? Shouldn't me not being 100 happy with it be enough to make me realize that it probably isn't meant to be. I don't think I should have to try so hard to convince myself that all relationships are not perfect - that you have to work at them. I think that if my partner and I were meant to be, we would be. I would be happy all the time; I wouldn't have any reasons to doubt us. So why then do I doubt it all the time.
Maybe there is just something wrong with me. Maybe, I am not meant to be in a steady relationship at this time in my life. Maybe all my stress and anxiety about my relationship is a clue that I am not ready to be so utterly committed to another person. I am such an independent individual; maybe I'm not ready to be co-dependant, yet. I'm only 22, why do I feel the need to be settled? That is the thing, I don't, yet my partner does.
This is what happens when you spend hours on end sitting in a coffee shop not having many customers. You sit and blog about your inner-most thoughts. As you can tell my thoughts definitely form one of those tangled webs that Sir Walter Scott was talking about when he said his famous quote.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
The only person I'm really deceiving here, though, is myself. I have to stop filling myself full of lies and half truths and open my eyes. What do I want; What will make ME happy?
So, right now I am standing on the cross street of Independence and Commitment. Ya, fun streets to be standing on, right? It is difficult to be so far apart from your partner, your best friend, the person you want to never not be a part of your life. I have had my fair share of confusion in my relationship. I just never know how I feel about it, which to me is a bad sign. If it was right, wouldn't I just know that; it should be obvious; shouldn't it? I find myself wondering, yet again, whether my partner and I are really meant to be together forever. There is no doubt in my mind that the man needs to be a part of my life forever - he and I are best friends. But, where my confusion comes from is if me not wanting to lose him is worth settling for a relationship that I am not 100 percent satisfied with.
To be honest, I really can't describe why my relationship is not what I want it to be. I have tried, many times, but I do not succeed in making people understand. But, shouldn't it be enough that I know deep down that it isn't right? Shouldn't me not being 100 happy with it be enough to make me realize that it probably isn't meant to be. I don't think I should have to try so hard to convince myself that all relationships are not perfect - that you have to work at them. I think that if my partner and I were meant to be, we would be. I would be happy all the time; I wouldn't have any reasons to doubt us. So why then do I doubt it all the time.
Maybe there is just something wrong with me. Maybe, I am not meant to be in a steady relationship at this time in my life. Maybe all my stress and anxiety about my relationship is a clue that I am not ready to be so utterly committed to another person. I am such an independent individual; maybe I'm not ready to be co-dependant, yet. I'm only 22, why do I feel the need to be settled? That is the thing, I don't, yet my partner does.
This is what happens when you spend hours on end sitting in a coffee shop not having many customers. You sit and blog about your inner-most thoughts. As you can tell my thoughts definitely form one of those tangled webs that Sir Walter Scott was talking about when he said his famous quote.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
The only person I'm really deceiving here, though, is myself. I have to stop filling myself full of lies and half truths and open my eyes. What do I want; What will make ME happy?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
