independent vs. codependent

There is a time in everyone's life when they come to a cross road. I'm sure some people even find themselves at a cross road a few times in their lives. Do you go left, right, straight; do you turn around and go running back the way you came. Everyone has to make these decisions for themselves, but these are the times when we want someone else to make the decision for us more than anything in the world.

So, right now I am standing on the cross street of Independence and Commitment. Ya, fun streets to be standing on, right? It is difficult to be so far apart from your partner, your best friend, the person you want to never not be a part of your life. I have had my fair share of confusion in my relationship. I just never know how I feel about it, which to me is a bad sign. If it was right, wouldn't I just know that; it should be obvious; shouldn't it? I find myself wondering, yet again, whether my partner and I are really meant to be together forever. There is no doubt in my mind that the man needs to be a part of my life forever - he and I are best friends. But, where my confusion comes from is if me not wanting to lose him is worth settling for a relationship that I am not 100 percent satisfied with.

To be honest, I really can't describe why my relationship is not what I want it to be. I have tried, many times, but I do not succeed in making people understand. But, shouldn't it be enough that I know deep down that it isn't right? Shouldn't me not being 100 happy with it be enough to make me realize that it probably isn't meant to be. I don't think I should have to try so hard to convince myself that all relationships are not perfect - that you have to work at them. I think that if my partner and I were meant to be, we would be. I would be happy all the time; I wouldn't have any reasons to doubt us. So why then do I doubt it all the time.

Maybe there is just something wrong with me. Maybe, I am not meant to be in a steady relationship at this time in my life. Maybe all my stress and anxiety about my relationship is a clue that I am not ready to be so utterly committed to another person. I am such an independent individual; maybe I'm not ready to be co-dependant, yet. I'm only 22, why do I feel the need to be settled? That is the thing, I don't, yet my partner does.

This is what happens when you spend hours on end sitting in a coffee shop not having many customers. You sit and blog about your inner-most thoughts. As you can tell my thoughts definitely form one of those tangled webs that Sir Walter Scott was talking about when he said his famous quote.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

The only person I'm really deceiving here, though, is myself. I have to stop filling myself full of lies and half truths and open my eyes. What do I want; What will make ME happy?