Why does life have to be so hard? The ultimate question, right.
I know God has a plan for us all, and we have to have faith and work our way through our troubles and try to embrace everything and be happy. But, sometimes it seems almost impossible. How can we embrace things we don't even want to admit to ourselves. How can we embrace things that make us so completely unhappy. Sure, sure, what makes us unhappy in the short run will ultimately make us more happy in the long run, but sometime I have a hard time keeping my head up waiting to get to the long run part.
You may wonder what all this is referring to; why I am so unhappy?
It is a long story, (which i sort of touched on a couple blogs ago) but the short version is that I made the decision to break up with Kevin. I know deep down in my hear that it was the right thing to do, but I find myself unbelievable sad and missing him like crazy. We are still talking and e-mailing, but at times that makes it harder for me to work on getting over him.
I hope God has a plan for me that involves finding the man of my dreams - I hope Kevin wasn't him and that I totally didn’t just screwed up my whole life. But, if Kevin is him, than I'm sure we will find each other again in the future, but for now, I need to focus on my life and being true to me and what I need. I really don't know what I need, but I know that I need to be single - but I'm sure that is just step one.
With my life changing so much, i feel like I'm in a tornado - caught right in the eye; i'm standing on solid ground and life is cycloning around me at a 100 mile an hour.
I am scared for what the future will bring me. I am scared to start my treatment, I'm afraid of what the side effects will be, I'm afraid of loosing touch with all my amazing friends while I'm tucked away in Sitka getting shots, taking pills and feeling sick.
I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to go through this treatment. I wanted to start my life. I wanted to graduate college and find a job and start working on my career, but now there is this scary road block standing in my way. I really just want to ignore it and find a way around it, but I know that i need to face it and accept it, but it is hard. What if the treatment doesn't work. So, six months from now, i will be in the same situation as I am now, except I still wouldn't have been able to start my life, and i will have to try another treatment. I guess I need have to have faith that everything will work out.
I'm sad. I'm sad that I am missing out on seeing all the amazing people I have been surrounded by for the last four years. The six months I am doing my treatment are going to be agony. I will be alone in Sitka. That is not true; my family will be there, but my friends won't. Sarah will be in California, and all my friends from Washington will either still be there trying to figure out their lives, or they will have gone off doing their own thing and tyring to figure out their lives. I am envious of them for that - I wish i could go off and start my life, but I can't - which leads me back to the anger.
Yes, like i said, I'm in a tornado. I don't know how to feel, so everything is just spinning - spinning and it keeps speeding up... the closer the end of September gets, the looming date when i start my treatment, the more I will spin and the more my emotions will get worn out.
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Oh sweetie... I wish there was something I could say. You are recognizing your emotions beautifully, and recording them even more wonderfully, but that doesn't help that you are having this whirlwind in the first place. I am sorry to hear about you and Kevin... breakups are never happy, and given your stuck position, I am sure that he is one of the only people you want to turn to. You are so amazingly strong; I have every confidence that you will blast through this roadblock, you will conquer this tornado, and you will master your procedure... You are an amazing woman. Your 'life' and career will begin when you are ready... just work on you right now.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Vanessa
You are so brave. I know you don't feel like it right now... and that you may not even want to hear that but you are and I admire that bravery. When my mom was sick I found myself at many of the questions that you are now.
ReplyDeleteWe often prompt the wise words about the lesson being revealed later in life. However, I think that this often leaves us waiting... on tomorrow... waiting to see the good things from the bad todays at hand. I, dont think I really agree with that. Instead I think we should search for the lessons right at hand.
Dont be afriad to experience any of these emotions. Feel the anger and the sadness and the confusion. Don't keep it in but do something with it. Just like your beautiful words moved me as I read them... forever changing me... it is a good example of how something beautiful is ALREADY coming from such pain. You turn weeds into a garden Coral and... I know that your body will do the same.
Our bodies often fail us. And we cannot control it all. But we can control our thoughts and the way that we enter each moment. You do have control... of your heart and your mind.
You are beautiful and even though you feel very stuck right now it Sitka... you are having an adventure of your own... full of lessons and exploration of self. Thats what life is about right? Sometimes it looks like a new city or a new job.. and sometimes it comes in the form of a new friend or period of sadness. This experience will challenge you and help you become the Coral you are meant to be.
I love you... I wish I could be more here for you. You should post your address on here so we can send you letters and cards. That may help you feel closer to all of us. :)
Love you hunnie.
Love,
ReplyDeleteYou are one brave and strong woman. You know what you want in life and you go for it. Even though we hate to grow through these roadblocks that God gives us, there's a reason. Not one that we want to deal with or want that we want to really care about and continue to ask the question "Why" but know that you are strong and you will get through this tornado with such strong power. These six months are going to be one that gives you the most strength, the most guidance and the most willpower to do what you want to do. Give you time to figure things all out though you have it all together now. I love you hunnie and though you hear it time and time again in a moment like this, you are strong and everything is going to work out. It means a lot to put your feelings down on "paper" and you are and that alone is someone with strength. I love you and I will be sure to keep in touch with you and check on you and your status. You are going to power through this rough time and come out a champ and I will be there to give you your belt :)
I love you sweetie and continue to stay strong... through everything!!!